Chapter 1

“How did you end up here?”  

He appears to be genuinely interested.

But how can I even begin to explain?  How can I tell the story in a way that does it justice but still offers him hope.  How to defend the sheer recklessness of embarking on something I had no idea if I could ever finish.  Of committing to a path without knowing how long it would take or what it would cost me.  

He is here out of desperation.  But I had chosen it.  

And why? 

— — —

Certainly, no one had understood at the time.  My feeble attempts to explain to my family and friends had only led to confusion and frustration.  Each conversation would lead to a terrible experience of wavering resolve.

It was something impossible to put into words, no matter how many times I tried to do so for the people around me.  

Even now, the best I can do is to describe it as an invitation that I felt in my body.  A deep knowing, in my core, that there was something out there beyond the life I was living.  If only I would reach for it.  

In the end, it simply ceased to be a choice.  The path of my life was in the direction of the sea.

Finally, I had left without any of the affirmation I so desperately craved.  Pushing off from shore with the assistance of a few involved spectators, with no farewell from the ones whose blessing I most desired.  

But I caught a glimpse of them watching from the shore.  Even from a distance, I could feel their disapproval.  With the sea calm, it had taken several unnerving hours to lose sight of them.  

As night fell, I tried lying down to get some sleep.  But the unfamiliar rocking of the boat left me feeling anxious and restless.  I remember giving in to the exhaustion at sunrise, after lying in the bottom of the boat staring at the sky for hours.  But looking back, I can’t even remember if there were stars.  

Since then I have spent many nights in the same boat under the same sky.  It has been a long process of letting go, of finding peace in the knowledge that nothing from the past can be reclaimed and nothing can be changed.  It can only be released in order to embrace an unknown future.  

Here, in the boat there is no need for me to struggle or strive.  I will either land somewhere before my boat sinks or my provisions run out.  Or I won’t.  There is nothing within my power to influence the outcome, which has brought a wonderful simplicity to life. I can only trust the wind and waves to do their work.

But that first night I couldn’t see any of it.  I couldn’t even see the stars.  

Reflection Questions:

What invitation are you sensing in your life right now?

What would it look like to accept it?