Private Feelings
“Translate private feelings into public issues.” — Parker Palmer, The Courage to Teach
I have privately been asking the following question about my experience of church for most of my life:
“Is this really all there is?”
I have gone through the actions of the Christian faith, participating in church activities and keeping the rules as well as I could. But I would have a hard time explaining why I do any of it, beyond the nebulous “It’s what good people do.”
And I feel like I have served my brains out. As someone who can do a lot of things fairly well, I have participated in nearly every group or ministry that we have. Music ministry, after-school tutoring, summer camp counseling, Sunday School teaching, food distribution, administrative teams. I’ve done them all. Even tasks I’ve desperately hated. As a people-pleaser, it is hard for me to say no to anyone, regardless of their request.
Over the past several years, my nagging question has morphed into more specific ones. Like—why do churches seem to be okay with over-burdening and over-busying their people to the point that they have no time left to spend with God? Or—how is it that people can spend their whole lives attending church and still be afraid of God at the end of it? And—in this moment—why does it feel so unsafe for me to publicly ask these kinds of questions?
Now, seriously, with almost nobody reading my posts, this hardly counts as making my private questions public. But I’m still feeling pretty vulnerable.
